TwilightSpoof!
by LoneWolfie
Summary: Random, funny, Twilight thing. M for language. Oneshot.


A Twilight Spoof! I get bored easily, leave me alone. Now, this is extremely retarded and it disses EVERY character and stupid crap. But, hey, this it just for fun and giggles. It's M because of language and stuff xD So, enjoy!

Bella Swan slowly leaned up in her bed, rubbing her eyes. She looked out the window at the dark, gloomy day and jumped up. "Oh, what a beautiful morning! Oh, what a beautiful day! I have a beautiful feeling that everything is going to go my wayyy!" she sung as she danced around her room. She tripped then, falling flat on her beautiful, pale face.

Charlie busted into the room. "Oh my god, Bella! My klutzy daughter, are you okay?" he ran over to her and helped her up.

"I think I broke my face," she said, poking at her cheek.

"No, Bells, your face is as pale and beautiful as always! Here, I got you a gift." Charlie said.

"A random gift I do not deserve!" Bella gasped.

Charlie nodded. "Of course, my ungrateful daughter." he said, handing her a handicap sign to hang from her rear view mirror. "You're such a klutz, Bella, I thought this was perfect for you!"

"Oh, Charlie-Dad-father! Thank you so much!" Bella took the handicap sign then fell down.

"Aww, Bella, you're just so cute." Charlie cooed.

:**::**:

"Bella, I love the new handicap sign," Mike said as he poked at the handicap sign that hung around her neck.

"Thank you, Mike. I thought it looked lovely with my 'DANGER: MARY-SUE ALERT' shirt." Bella smiled at him.

"You always look lovely, Bella!" Mike said.

"No, I do not, Mike. You're lying. I'm ugly and not pale enough and my hair isn't shiny." Bella said.

"Ah, Bella, you're so funny."

"No, I'm not. I'm dull and boring yet every male I come across is attracted to me." Bella said then gasped as she saw Edward making his way across the parking lot. "I have to go Mike! My overly attractive vampire boyfriend is coming!"

"Wait, what?" Mike said as Bella ran towards Edward.

"Edward!" she yelled, stopping and just watching him walk with hearts as eyes.

Wind made Edward's unbutton-shirt flap back, revealing a tight, white muscle shirt, and his dis shoveled hair was made even more dis shoveled.

"Jesus, more wind!" Edward yelled.

A little man behind a giant fan nodded. "Si, Mr. Edward," the man said, turning the fan on high.

Edward stopped walking, posing in the wind. A group of girls wearing shirts that said 'Team Edward' suddenly gathered around Bella and cooed and gasped with her. Edward threw his head back, opening his arms to the wind. Another group of girls stood off to the side, booing, their shirts reading 'Team Jacob.' One of the girls set down a bucket of tomatoes and they began throwing them at Edward. Edward screamed.

"Not my wonderful, beautiful, chiseled face that Bella thinks of all the time!" he yelled, covering his wonderful, beautiful, chiseled face that Bella thinks of all the time.

"Oh my god! Stop throwing tomatoes at my beautiful, sparkly Edward!" Bella screamed and ran towards them.

She tripped and got trampled by the Edward fan girls as they ran towards the Jacob fan girls and attacked.

"My sweet Bella!" Edward gasped dramatically, running over and kneeling beside her.

"Edward..." Bella breathed, rolling on her back, "You're covered in... red." she whispered.

"And you're covered in dirt, my beloved." Edward said, brushing her cheek clean.

"Bella, I love your new necklace and your shirt." Edward commented as he helped her up.

"Thank you, Edward. They fit me so well," Bella said, dusting herself off as the war continued behind them.

"Bella, do you want to go sit in a meadow with me and stare at me for unknown amount of hours?"

"Edward, that sounds like a scene from a stupid, horrible movie that's somehow so popular, it's practically everywhere you look. Let's go."

:**::**:

"Look at all the pretty flowers! ZOMG!" Bella said and skipped through the weeds then fell on her face.

"Oh, Bella, you're so beautiful when you trip." Edward sighed, staying in the shadows.

Bella got up, spitting out weeds. "No, I'm not. You're beautiful though. Come out in the sun that randomly and conveniently showed up when I began skipping." Bella begged.

"Oh, fine, Bella." Edward said and removed his soggy, tomato-drenched shirts. He jumped out in the sun, screaming, "FUCKIN' SPARKLES, YEAH! I'M SO MANLY!"

"Oh, Edward, it looks like you have diamonds in your skin. Your manly, stone skin. Siiiiiigh." Bella said dreamily.

"I know, Bella, I know." Edward walked up to her.

"Edward," Bella pointed to a spot on his stomach that wasn't sparkling, "What's wrong here?"

"Damn it! JESUS!" Edward screamed.

"So sorry, Mr. Edward," the little man said as he ran out with a jar that was labeled 'SPARKLES!'. "So sorry," the little man got a handful and rubbed it on the plain spot, making it sparkle. "There you go, Mr. Edward, there you go," he said, running back off into the trees.

Bella smiled. "You're so shiny, Edward. I love it." she began to hug him but he jumped back.

"Don't Bella! This stuff gets on EVERYTHING and it's so hard to get off!" he said.

"I don't care." Bella got closer, trying to hug him again.

Edward jumped back again. "Stop it, Bella! You don't know how expensive this stuff is!" he whined.

"Edward, I don't care. All I want is to feel your lanky, skinny frame that has a sprayed-on six pack against mine." Bella said.

"You can't tell it's sprayed-on," Edward muttered, looking down.

"Can I hug you?" Bella asked.

"ONLY," Edward rose his hand, "if you marry me."

"WHAT?" Bella said. "Are you actually trying to bribe me?"

Suddenly, a naked Jacob Black ran out into the meadow. "DON'T DO IT BELLA!" he screamed, running up to the stunned, beautiful, pale girl while flaring his arms.

"Oh my god, Jacob! PENIS!" Bella screamed, covering her eyes as her face flushed.

Edward covered his eyes with his sparkly arm. "Jacob, where are your pants?"

"Oh, I was in such a rush, I forgot them," Jacob shrugged and grabbed Bella's shoulders, shaking her. "Don't do it, Bella!"

"Do what, JACOB!" Bella yelled, peeking at him through her fingers.

"Marry this leech!" Jacob yelled, "He's wrong for you! He's too cold and look! HE SPARKLES! HOW FUCKIN' GAY!"

"At least I don't turn into a wolf pup!" Edward snarled with his beautiful, sparkly face.

"Hey! I'm still trying to get the hang of this whole shifting thing so it's not my fault!" Jacob yelped.

"Oh my god, Jacob! This isn't your choice, it's mine! Seesh!" Bella jerked away but fell back, instead.

"Aw, Bells, you're so cute," Jacob cooed.

"Hey, I was going to say that!" Edward walked over and shoved the bigger, more buff Jacob.

"Don't fight over me, guys!" Bella said and got up. "I know I'm not as good-looking as some girls, or as graceful, or as bubbly, or even as fun, but that is no reason to fight over me!"

Edward looked at her with his great golden eyes that made her breath in and out fast each time she looked into them. "I'm sorry, Bella," Edward said.

Jacob looked at her. "I'm not. He shoved me!" Jacob said.

"Jacob. PANTS!" Bella yelled, covering her eyes again.

"Don't worry, Bella; you can barely see it," Edward said.

"Hey! I'm still growing!" Jacob growled.

Bella laughed and uncovered her eyes. "Whatever Edward says is true, even if it isn't!" she said.

"What?" both Edward and Jacob said.

"Nothing!" Bella yelled and began skipping again and singing, "Edward is shiny and Jacob is tiny!" she sung.

"Damn it!" Jacob screamed and shifted into a wolf pup. He let out a whimper and took off, running in to the forest.

"Ah, Bella, you're so pretty when you sing horribly." Edward said.

"Re-" Bella stopped as she tripped.

"Aww, so cute, so cute." Edward said.

Bella rolled onto her back. "EDWARD! GET OVER HERE! WE'RE SUPPOSE TO STARE AT EACH OTHER LONGINGLY!" she screamed.

Edward laid beside her and they started the staring.

:**::**:

"I didn't blink for hours!" Bella gasped in awe at herself.

"Actually, Bella, you did-"

"I DIDN'T BLINK FOR HOURS!" Bella screamed.

"Alright, alright! Now be quiet before your dad comes in here! It is midnight," Edward said.

"SORRY DADDY!" Bella screamed and smiled at Edward. "I love it when you watch me sleep. It makes me feel so protected and creeped out, which is a wonderful combination."

"I bet it is, Bella, I bet it is." Edward said with his musical, velvet voice.

"Edward. Can you have sex with me and impregnate me with a demon child that will spawn a 768 paged book and a two part movie?" Bella asked.

"No, Bella. UNLESS you'll marry me!" Edward said.

"You'll use anything to bribe me into marrying you, won't you?" Bella asked.

Edward nodded. "Yes."

"Fine then. Edward, I'll marry you. Now, fuck me."

"NOT RIGHT NOW! WE HAVE TO WAIT TILL OUR HONEYMOON!" Edward screeched. "I wouldn't be romantic if I just did you right now!"

"Aw, Edward, you're so sexy when you snarl like that!" Bella cooed.

:**::**:

"Edward, faster! Come on, faster! Please, push it harder!" Bella screamed.

"Bella, shut up!" Edward yelled as he played the racing game, pushing the X button down hard. "I'm going as fast I can!"

"But the other cars are beating us!" Bella whined.

"I can't help that our car is shitty!" Edward said, slamming into the side of the wall. "Aw damn!" he yelled.

"Ya know, this is the best honeymoon ever," Bella said, taking the controller for her turn.

"I know. Playing video games in the basement of my parent's house was the best idea I've ever had." Edward looked at her dreamily.

"COME ON! GO FASTER!" Bella screamed, foaming at the mouth.

"You're so beautiful when you foam at the mouth."

Bella wiped the foam away. "I would be more beautiful if you would bite me!" she yelled.

"Bella!" Edward gasped. "You know I can't because I will not let you miss out on menopause or growing old and wrinkly or dying alone while I'm still young, beautiful and sparkly!"

Bella burst into sobs. "EDWARD! WHY!" she grabbed his shoulders and shook him, "WHY! I want to sparkle like you! I never want to feel the sun again, even though I say I love it so much! I want to be ice cold, even though I said I hate cold things! I want to drink blood and be beautiful!" she sobbed pitifully.

"Bella, you are beautiful-"

"No, I'm not! I'm a boring, dull Mary-sue- I mean, girl!" Bella cried.

Edward slowly took her hands off his shoulders. "Fine."

Bella sobered up. "What?"

"Fine. I'll change you. Only." he stopped talking.

"What?"

"If I have sex with you before and get you pregnant." he said.

"How can you do that? All your organs are dead so how can you produce sperm?"

Edward shrugged, holding up a copy of Breaking Dawn. "I don't know. It never said." he said and threw it over his shoulder. It smashed into a garbage can and a random cat hissed loudly.

"Edward, when did your parents get a cat?"

"I don't know."

"OKAY! CHANGE ME!" Bella screamed.

"We haven't had sex."

"AH!" Bella rose her finger up. "Stephenie Meyer clearly states in our contract this is a strictly teenage movie and we need watch our orgasms each time we kiss and we can't grope on air, either."

"We're on air?"

"We're always on air, Edward, always."

"Oh, well... then... TIME SKIP!" Edward screamed suddenly.

:**::**:

"Wow, Edward! I'm in bliss! Even though my body is black and blue and you ruined some perfectly good pillows, I'm happy!" Bella yelled as she sat in a robe in the chair, munching on a muffin.

"Oh, Bella, I'm so stupid!" Edward groaned as he knelt beside her and laid his forehead on her knee, "SO STUPID! I HURT YOU!"

"Actually, you made me feel pleasure-"

"I BIT PILLOWS!"

"Actually, we can buy more pillows-"

"I LEFT BRUISES ON YOU!"

"Actually, they'll go away but-"

"I WAS A VIRGIN SO I PROBABLY WASN'T ALL THAT GOOD!"

"Shut the hell up, Edward!" Bella yelled. "I LOVED IT! You're ruining my mood and making me go all emo again like you did when you left in New Moon!"

"Yeah, and then Meyer wasted paper by putting months on them! What was up with that?" Edward scoffed, looking at Bella.

"Hey, she was just showing how long you were gone from me and how long it had been since I bathed!" Bella yelled.

Edward rolled his shiny, beautiful golden eyes. "Bella, it's time."

"For cake and ice cream?"

"What? No! For you to be changed." Edward snapped.

"OH! MY! GOD!" Bella screamed and jumped up, dancing. Then, she fell flat on her face.

"Aww, I'm going to miss that about you," Edward cooed and picked her up, laying her on the bed.

"BITE ME, BITCH!" Bella screamed.

Edward groaned. "Bella, I made it known last night, I do not like dirty talk!" Edward whined.

"Oh, right, sorry, Edward," Bella said and arched her neck out to him.

Edward was taking too long, just staring at her neck, so Bella hooked her leg around his leg. She dug her heel into the back of his knee and pulled. He gasped and fell down onto her neck, his fangs going into the sharpie'd X's that Bella drew on moments ago. From there on, Jacob fan girls will cry in corners as Edward fan girls will cry in joy and laugh at Jacob fan girls.

_**FIN!**_

See? Retarded. lol. Review! xD


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